A summer romance gone wrong

Although a little quirky and unorthodox when I had first met her, I was quickly infatuated with her. Not only was she beautiful, she was great person with a warm personality.
She made it evident she liked me back from the texts she would send me.
Every time she would say she loved me and missed me I would never know how to reply, I of course did fancy her but whenever I asked if she wanted to do something or offer to take her out she would make up an excuse almost every time.
I asked if I could take her out for valentines day, perhaps a nice restaurant. Although she agreed at first, she told me she couldn’t make it, on the day. How I was feeling at the time was not helped by one of my mates telling me he saw her with someone else.

After a few months of no communication between us, me and her started talking again towards the middle of summer. I kept in mind what happened around valentines day at first but I figured that times change as do people, and we quickly started flirting again.
Before she went on holiday I took her to the cinema and we had a brief chat afterwards before she went home. She was quite different from how I remembered her but still had that unique and quirky charm in her.
She would text me while she was on holiday and tell me that she wants me to take her on holiday, or that when she got back we should go on a picnic. It sounded great! She wants to spend time with me right?
When she was back in London I told her to let me know when she’s free and I can take her out somewhere.
I would get messages from her while she was drunk often asking to see me but none asking to actually meet up and do something while she was sober. So I started asking to meet up with her again. Every time I asked she said she yes. Every time it came to close to the date she would make up an excuse of why she can’t make it.

Truly fed up now I started speaking to her less and less. Very passive-aggressive and not assertive of me, I know. She messaged me one day saying she was at my favourite pub and I should come down for a drink. I went with my friend who I was with. She was cool to be around as usual, I got to meet her mum and her friends, had a few drinks, it was a good day.
We spoke a lot more after that. She would say she missed me, loved me and really wanted to see me and worried that she wouldn’t be able to after summer.
I asked her out once just before the end of summer. She cancelled as usual to go out with her friend that day but said I could see her the day after. She promptly made up an excuse for that day also, as she did the following day.

It’s been a few weeks since then, we still talk sometimes. I haven’t dared to ask her out again.

How much about yourself will you share?

 There is a lot about my life that I’m reluctant to share. My family life in particular is pretty dark and I don’t know how much I’m willing to share about it.
There is two sides to every story as they say, and since this is a blog that I won’t be sharing with anyone I know, all that is written will be from my perspective so I will talk about myself and my feelings mostly.
I’ll talk about my relationships with friends, girlfriends quite a bit. Why? Because it’s probably what affects me the most in my daily life. Also I feel if there is anyone reading these posts that stories of my failures with women would make them laugh at how pathetic I am. It’s been YEARS since I’ve had a girlfriend that hasn’t  cheated on me. I sure do pick em.

Anyway, just wanted to make another small post before I start posting about my misadventures and the continuous, unfortunate, struggles I deal with.

What is depression really like?

Mental illness and depression varies from person to person. I’ve met numerous people who are depressed but describe their affliction in a totally different way.
‘Mental illness’ for some reason is considered a controversial topic. Unlike any other illness It’s taboo to talk about in every day life with friends and family. Just sharing how it makes you feel makes everyone tense and awkward. For example you can post to Facebook about how you’ve stayed in bed the whole day with a cold or cough and have your contacts hoping you get well soon and that they are there for you, but posting that you’ve stayed in bed the whole day because you’re depressed? There is little sympathy or empathy from mental illness. It makes you feel un-natural and alienated from the world. Feeling so separated, isolated and alone it’s no wonder that depression claims the lives of so many.

Why am I doing this?

At first I thought I should use this to log my daily activities and routines but for the most part that wouldn’t be very interesting. Instead I’d like to talk about why I’m doing this, and then I will perhaps go on to speaking a bit about my past and the series of events that has lead me to become the person I am.
So why am I doing this? Well during the past few months I’ve realised that I am unable to recall a lot of my memories of the past few years. Possibly due to the depression, or my mind trying to block negative thoughts and emotions like my therapy has taught me to do. Possibly due to the effects of the multiple medications I take. Maybe the trauma of some past events and how they link with recurring events in my life. I’d like to try and remember and write them down here.
“Why not write them down in a book?”
Quite a few answers for this one, the first being that a physical book can be read by anyone in my life, be it family or friends that accidentally stumble across it. Online it feels a bit more secure and the feeling of anonymity makes it easier for me to open up and share more. I have thought about using this as a ‘rough copy’ for an autobiography but I’m sure it would be incredibly bland and nobody would read it.
“Why not tell your family/friends about it and not random people on the internet?”
I will make posts another day specifically with reasons for why I cannot talk to family and friends about the matter. As for why I share it with you is that perhaps there is one person on the planet that this blog will ‘touch’, that is in a similar position, that is going through a personal hell of their own. I want that person to know they are not alone. Living with depression is not something I would wish upon my worst enemies. It is crippling and nobody should have to suffer through it alone.

Who am I?

Before I begin I want to say that I am not a writer, novelist or experienced blogger nor do I consider myself to be anything close. This is the first time I’ve done something like this and the last time I wrote anything more than a sentence was in high school. If you do intend to read my  posts then please excuse my grammar and punctuation.
I am eighteen years of age and have been living with depression for the past five years.
Perhaps ‘living with’ is not the right terminology. It is not something most just live with. For me depression is an unstable and unbearable affliction. Normal, every day tasks such as shaving, having a shower and even making breakfast are a struggle and often when accomplished feel like an achievement. I spend every possible moment I’m awake trying to keep my mind off itself. At night I lay in bed staring at the abyss that is my ceiling for hours on end. When I finally fall asleep I’m cursed with nightmares and dreams that cause me to wake suddenly.
It is 2 am right now and I’ll end this post here to continue tomorrow. If you have read this far and/or wish to follow me and stay updated about my posts, thank you for your time. If there is anything you want to ask me or if you just want someone to talk to please feel free to message me. Just because we are going through hell does not mean we have to go through it alone.